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How Long Do You Cook a Three-Minute Egg?
Composed by Dan O'Leary(dano@cybercomm.net)
Maybe some of you late-nighters have seen the "Jay Walking" segment of the Tonight Show, where Jay Leno walks around with a mic and interviews the rabble on the street asking them basic information questions about a specific topic to see how many people know so little about so much. A friend of mine suggested the idea that these people acted dumb to get a couple of seconds on TV.
Well, I have a feeling they're all serious, because this week the Tonight Show featured the "Jay Walking Championships," sort of a quiz show where they've brought a handful of the tweedle-dumbest of the tweedle-dees to compete against one another. These nimrods were sincerely confused by nearly all the questions Leno asked.
Let's introduce our contestants. I won't print their names so I can verbally unload on them later.
- Two girls from Beverly Hills --one a student, the other a hotel desk clerk-- acted as one contestant.
- A mid-20's college guy who works in retail.
- An elementary school teacher (booted from social studies teaching after her first "Jay Walking" appearance for failing to know the Pilgrims landed here in 1620) who laughed like Fran Drescher with a sinus condition whenever confused by a question or giving a wrong answer...she laughed a lot.
- Q: What year did America celebrate our independance?
- Two Girls: "1920?"
- College Guy: "the 1800s"
- Teacher: "He took my answer"
- Q: Who did we celebrate our independance from?
- Two Girls: "Canada"
- College Guy: "USSR"
- Teacher: "England?" (good guess)
- Q: What country borders California?
- Two Girls: "France"
- College Guy: "Baha, California"
- Teacher: "I don't know" (laughs)
- Q: Who is this man? (shows picture of Vice President Al Gore)
- Two Girls: "Donald Trump"
- College Guy: "Prince Charles"
- Teacher: "I've never seen him"
- Q: That was Al Gore. What job does he have?
- Two Girls: "Uh, Governor" Q: Of what state? "United States?"
- College Guy: "don't know"
- Teacher: "don't know" (laughs)
- Q: Who is this man? (shows picture of George W. Bush)
- Two Girls: "Someone on TV"
- Teacher: "Uh, George Bush? Wait, no, not George. He's the little Bush, right?" (laughs)
- Q: How long do you cook a three-minute egg?
- Two Girls: "Uh, 180?" (other girl:) "No, that's hours."
- (Round 2 come one week later.)
- Q: How do complete this famous saying from Texas: "Remember the ____?"
- Two Girls: "Old Times?"
- College Guy: "Cowboys"
- Teacher: "Little People"
- Q: What's the healthy temperature of the human body?
- Two Girls: "100"
- College Guy: "87"
- Teacher: "98" Q: 98-what? "Degrees"
- Q: Who is Greek Poet who wrote the Illiad & Odyssey?
(No one knew until Leno asked "Who was Bart Simpson's dad?") - Two Girls: "?"
- College Guy: "Homer Simpson"
- Teacher: "Homer"
- Q: Would you be bothered going to a doctor who's a homeopath?(audience laughs)
- Two Girls: (giggles)
- College Guy: "What's a homeopath?"
- Teacher: "er...?" (laughs)
- Q: William Prescott said "Don't fire until ______?"
- Two Girls: "They wave the flag"
- College Guy: "I say so"
- Teacher: "See the whites of their eyes" (go, you savant, you!)
- Q: Marie Antoinette once said "Let them eat ______?"
- Two Girls: "Bread"
- College Guy: "Food"
- Teacher: "Peanut Butter? Isn't that the Jiffy Lady?" (She was thinking Anette Funicello)
- Q: What is the Gettysburg Address?
- Two Girls: "When the guy came and rode by on the horse"
- College Guy: "It's that poem about our forefathers"
- Q: Who wrote it the Gettysburg Address?
- Two Girls: "Lincoln" Q: Where was he? "in Getty"
- Q: What is this? (Picture of Washington Monument)
- Two Girls: "A Spaceship?"
- College Guy: "The Space Needle"
- Teacher: "Washington Monument"
- Q: Who is this man? He was on the cover of every national magazine this week. (Picture of presidential candidate John McCain)
- Two Girls: (blank expressions)
- College Guy: (shrug)
- Teacher: "Well, he's rich since he's on a magazine, right?" (laughs) (got the last name after some hints)
It went on from there, but I was in too much shock to remember it.
Now, I understand the point of the segment: they're picking the worst of the worst so the audience can have a good belly-laugh at the contestants' expense. I'm sure anyone who answered even half the questions correctly never made it on TV. My problem is that these employed (one being in our educational system), non-brain-damaged individuals could be this stupid in the first place.
Here at the end of the twentieth century, how can functionally normal people be so uneducated they don't know basic elementary school facts and can't recognize a leader who has been in office for eight years? How do these dumbf--ks get out their houses and get to work each day without getting lost, much less how they all missed the fact they've been brought on TV to be mocked?
Any explanations would be welcome.
RESPONSE From: James.Sharkey@us.wmmercer.com
You know, I was home last week for a day and I decided, out of morbid train-wreck curiosity, to watch a little Jerry Springer. All I want to know is, where does he find these people? The West Appalachia Wal-Mart? I mean, you all may think the Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel from the Simpsons is some sort of goofy, over-the-top stereotype, but you'd be wrong. I have never in all my life seen so many people in desperate need of euthanasia.
I really can't say what the deal is. My biggest problem in even understanding these jackasses is that I work in a job where the great majority of folks are college educated professionals. I'll grant that this does not mean that one is an automatic shoo-in for Jeopardy player of the year honors, but I think most of them would never make it onto the Jay Walking segment.
Maybe some of you have a better prospective?
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