|
Did Bob Keane Envision Anatomically-Correct Bat Suits? (And other Batman & Robin Comments)
Composed by Dan O'Leary(dano@raven.cybercomm.net)
NOTE:
It's occurred to me that nearly all of my recent rants have been about movies or movie-related. I promise something with a little more weight to it in the near future.
About half a year ago, I posted "ID4? How About IQ4?" on The Soapbox to complain about the complete insult to the viewer's intelligence the film really was. I thought, at that point, major-release, big-budget sci-fi films really couldn't get any stupider.
This year however, I saw Batman and Robin, and learned just how wrong I was.
How do I begin to describe just how hideously bad this film is? Let's with some examples from the movie, so that you, dear reader, may judge for yourself:
- Alicia Silverstone is butler Alfred's BRITISH neice from a BRITISH girl's school with an LA accent, who visits her favorite uncle...who has never mentioned her previously.
- The film starts with a repeat of the 3rd movie's quick-edit costume-changing sequence with up-close-and-personal shots of George Clooney's ass and the nipples on his anatomically-correct batsuit.
- Alfred is dying from a rare disease that only Mr Freeze, a mad scientist, has the cure for. This is the same character who spends his non-fight time either locked up or forcing his henchmen to sing the Snow Miser song.
- After being defeated, Mr Freeze is motivated to Goodguyism by giving Batman the antidote for Alfred (kept in the arm of his suit?), tossing off a "call me in the morning" quip before passing out.
- Mr Freeze converts the new Gotham Observatory telescope into a gun that freezes the entire city. How exactly does one turn a receiver-type instrument into at transmitter? Using this logic, I can sup-up my TV and jam signals for miles (saving my neighbors from ever having to watch UPN again).
- Poison Ivy is supposed to be BEAUTIFUL, right? Then why am I looking at Uma Thurman doing her best Michelle-Pheiffer-as-Catwoman routine?
- Bane does appear in film, but has yellow skin that makes him look inflatable, and offers no more than some small "Hulk smash" dialog.
- Poison Ivy is defeated by throwing her into the very same giant maneating plant she was lounging in ten minutes before.
- Alfred, fearing he will no longer be able to carry out his functions as Batman's Brit-behind-the-scenes, sends out encoded CD-ROMs in search of relatives to carry on Bruce Wayne's secret, which is cracked by Alicia Silverstone's character in about 30 seconds.
That's before I even start going on about wall-scaling Batmobiles, dead-end roadways supported 1000 feet above the ground by titanic statues, and a Robin character so whiny it makes Burt Ward's Robin look like Antonio Banderas in comparison.
I know that this is a comic-book movie, it isn't supposed to be Citizen Kane. But one would think with money, star power, time, and effort spent to make this slop that someone would've said, "Hey! Wait a minute! We forgot to get a writer!" Here's hoping that if Hollywood continues to buy comic licenses, someone will finally get it right and make a decent character-driven action film that doesn't require lobotomization to enjoy.
If you must see this movie, rent it so you and a dozen of your friends can all mock it simultaneously. Make sure it's a large group, we don't want high rental sales to convince Joel Schumaker to make another one of these. (Next time, he'll probably give us Adam Sandler as the Mad Hatter.)
 Back To Rants and Commentary
|
