The Soapbox: Rants and Commentary: Bubba Speaks Composed by David Anderson, Jr.(oommp@webspan.net) January 1998 Ladies and Gentlemen, with his State Of The Union Address, The President of the United States, Bill Clinton: Ahem. Thank you. Hello. I'll make this brief. I've come before you tonight in the White House Press Room to dispel some rumors and perhaps offer some explanation for some of the things that have happened in the past week. There's been a lot of talk about an alleged affair I've had or been having. I just want everyone to know this is a fabrication and a lie created by the Republicans, and that damn actor, Fred Thompson, to destroy me. I mean, what does Fred Thompson think he's doing? He's an actor for crying out loud. We as Americans are smart enough to know an actor could never be President. Now, this business about Ms. Lewinsky. I just want to let you know that we did not 'officially' have an affair. Yes, she did perform felatio on me, but it is okay because she didn't swallow. Also, this bunk about her having a dress with my semen on it is a lie. She could have gotten a dress with my semen on it from any number of women. There's no way to prove it is real. Now, I do admit to having an affair with Jennifer Flowers when I was Governor of Alabama. (Ahem, Mr. President, that was Arkansas.) Whatever. All those square states kind of blur into one another anyway. I just want to say I've consoled my closest aides and they say that my indiscretions with Jennifer Flowers is not something to be afraid of. I mean, look at her, America, she's fabulous. I just want to let you know all this stuff going on is not my fault. Men have been claiming for years their penises are separate entities from themselves. Well, I've proposed legislation that will make that, indeed, true. I am the first man in America with two Social Security numbers, one for me and one for my penis. He's the one to blame. He's the one who made me do it. So, if you want to hang someone, hang Winkey, my penis. Lord knows I'm not hung. I think we, as a nation, need to face the more important events that are approaching, like the impending invasion of Iraq during Ramada. (Uhh, Mr. President, that's Ramadan, the Muslem Holy month.) Whatever. I think we need to focus to face the furious challenges ahead. I'll take a few questions. [A man rolls up in a wheelchair.] I just wanted to thank you, Mr. President. You've made it possible for me to finally be in the White House Press Room as a legitimate reporter. [President looks perplexed.] And you are? [Wheelchair man smiles.] Larry Flint, sir, Hustler Magazine. Hugh and I have been waiting for years to get in here. President looks nervous.] Err... thank you. That's all. Bye. Back To Rants and Commentary

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