Dan's Wide World of Stuff! The Web Wall

THE WEB WALL
Don't feel like a full rant today? Throw just a sentence or two up here on The Web Wall.
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THE WALL!

I'm going to go on a violent advertising-executive killing spree with the next commercial that uses the phrase "Now, more than ever."
(muchsarcasm@yahoo.com)

McDonald's contest players all got ripped off. Was Mayor McCheese asleep on watch?
(dano@cybercomm.net)

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll be rammed by a nuclear submarine.
(tcassidy@netusa1.net)

You're not doing charity for charity's sake if you're in front of a camera holding a 6-foot check.
(muchsarcasm@yahoo.com)

I am sick of the rain. Period. I sold the dog and bought trout. At least I can eat them if the yard ever dries out.
(barndt@home.com)

I want to be Barbie, that bitch has everything.
(2corny@nemontel.net)

McDonald's is the Official Restarant of the Olympics. Having a fast-food chain sponsor an athletic event makes as much sense as the Hooters restaurants sponsoring Lillith Fair.
(dano@cybercomm.net)

No brain, no headache.
(afjol999@flash.net)

James "Scotty" Doohan (79) and his wife (43) are expecting a new baby in April. Isn't God beaming these two up soon?
(dano@cybercomm.net)

If you achieve one thing in life let it be the ability to think for yourself and not conform to the constraints of our close minded society.
(muchsarcasm@yahoo.com)

Pamela Lee having her implants removed is like Stephen Hawking having a lobotomy.
(muchsarcasm@yahoo.com)

Jimmy Smitts left Hit TV show #1, movie career tanked, left Hit TV show #2, movie career tanked, now wins a part in the next Star Wars. His manager must be Satan.
(dano@cybercomm.net)

The people who complain the loudest about the way the ball bounces are probably the people who dropped the ball in the first place.
(moswald@vhxco.com)

When life gives you lemons . . . throw them at people.
(standin@hrfn.net)

Maximum PC lists a new $3000 Gateway system (1GHz AMD, 128MB RAM, 30GB HD, DVD 10x, CD-RW 4x, 19-inch monitor) as a "mediocre system." Does it come with a patch of grass to graze on for the sheep who buy it?
1999's Wall

If pigeons are stupid, why are they fat?
(dave.liz@sympatico.ca)

If I hear one more sentence from a Lewinsky tape, I'm going to throw up!
(purban@msd38.k12.az.us)

I have conclusive proof that Linda Tripp is an alien. I've secretly (and illegally) recorded 21 hours of casual phone conversations with her (the complete transcript now available in my new bestseller for only $19.95) where she confesses on numerous occasions that she is, in fact, not of this Earth. She is actually from the planet May'Kovr, of a race of beings able to change their appearance when given copious amounts of media attention.
(dano@cybercomm.net)

Every once in a while I think, "Boy, wouldn't being telekinetic be great?" But then I think, "Yeah, you think you're fat now . . . " 'Cause let's face it, why the heck would you ever get up?
(James_B_Sharkey_jr_at_PRN1@nospam.mercer.com)

You know that you're not a little kid anymore, when midnight is no longer past your bedtime; you know you're an adult when midnight becomes past your bedtime again.
(James_B_Sharkey_jr_at_PRN1@nospam.mercer.com)

Stupid people (as opposed to ignorant) should have a permanent marking on person (such as a tattoo placed in the middle of their forehead) so we can identify them readily and easily avoid them.
(soulless@cybercomm.net)

College Sucks.
(vqit-30@yale.ac.uk)

Life ... is a totally insane concept. And technically impossible.
(soulless@cybercomm.net)

Music and entertainment have gone to crap, someone come out with something good!
(d-shepherd@usa.net)

1998's Wall

Have you seen the ads for the new Tarzan movie? Am I the only one who thinks that Capser Van Dien (from Starship Troopers) could very well be the gayest-looking Tarzan ever?
(James_B_Sharkey_jr_at_PRN1@nospam.mercer.com)

"The Ronald Reagan National Airport"...why?? Would anyone trust an airport whose namesake was the anti-union President who fired all the striking air traffic controllers in the 80s? Naming an airport after Reagan is like naming a burglar alarm business after Nixon.
(dano@cybercomm.net)

Can we stop with the up-to-the-minute press coverage on the President’s sexual liaisons? You know when Newsweek proudly announces "Exclusive: Monica’s E-mail!" we’re all doomed. Didn’t this start as a real-estate investigation? Are we all that gullible? "Forget all that dull financial stuff…the President got a hummer in the White House!"
(dano@cybercomm.net)

Since those two little amateur marksmen in Arkansas can’t be tried as adults and have to be released at 18, I’ve got a solution. Let them rot in custody until age 18, and they’re free to go…provided they get past the two snipers hidden outside the jailhouse.
(dano@cybercomm.net)

If the television you bought last year was now worth less than half it’s original value, and the cable company says you’ll need a new model to receive any new programs, would this upset you? So why do computer owners get in line with their checkbooks to do just that?
(dano@cybercomm.net)

Technically, everything is inches away.
(olearym@alpha.montclair.edu)

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
(anonymous)

Bill Clinton should have gotten Ted Kennedy to drive Paula Jones home.
(vqit-30@yale.ac.uk)

Only in America can a homeless vet sleep in a cardboard box while a draft dodger sleeps in the White House.
(vqit-30@yale.ac.uk)

Why has X-files gone crap?
(vqit-30@yale.ac.uk)

Politicians can't ski.
(d-shepherd@usa.net)

Why don't we get rid of all the stupid people? The DMV offices would have no employees.
(anonymous)

When performers die (like Selena) they always say that person was going to be the next big thing, and not the next Kajagoogoo.
(olearym@alpha.montclair.edu)

It must have been hard convincing all the New Kids On The Block to have sex changes and become the Spice Girls.
(olearym@alpha.montclair.edu)

The reason why more people aren't Luddites in our world today: They'd have to get out of their lounge chairs to change the channel on the television set.
(oommp@webspan.net)

Ignorance should be painful.
(dano@raven.cybercomm.net)

Wonko the Sane was right.
(dano@raven.cybercomm.net)

I saw a homemade tee shirt with a photograph of a young man on it and the words, "Gone but not forgotten. In loving memory." I think a better tee shirt would have read, "Someone died and all I got was this lousy tee shirt."
(oommp@webspan.net)

I think I could make a fortune with a tee shirt that said, "I'm with stupid" with an arrow pointing straight up. I'd wear one.
(oommp@webspan.net)

Recent polotical ad concerning the helpfulness of a candidate: "He _literally_ moved mountains for me." If that were true, he would have ACTUALLY MOVED A MOUNTAIN. That's what "literally" means.
(olearym@alpha.montclair.edu)
Under the Dem platform, under education was a goal to have all American children reading by the THIRD GRADE. I think it's just pathetic that our country is so bad in education that third grade readers is a goal.
(olearym@alpha.montclair.edu)

If "pro" if the opposite of "con," is "congress" the opposite of "progress?"
(anonymous)

Back to The Soapbox

Don't feel like a full rant today? Throw just a sentence or two up here on The Web Wall.

(In a world of soundbytes, blurbs, and buzzwords, it's perfectly acceptable.)

Fill out the form below to add your voice to the growing throng.

NOTE: Submissions are e-mailed (we're not CGI-smart yet). Please hit Submit button only once.

THE WALL!

I'm going to go on a violent advertising-executive killing spree with the next commercial that uses the phrase "Now, more than ever."

McDonald's contest players all got ripped off. Was Mayor McCheese asleep on watch?

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll be rammed by a nuclear submarine.

You're not doing charity for charity's sake if you're in front of a camera holding a 6-foot check.

I am sick of the rain. Period. I sold the dog and bought trout. At least I can eat them if the yard ever dries out.

I want to be Barbie, that bitch has everything.

McDonald's is the Official Restarant of the Olympics. Having a fast-food chain sponsor an athletic event makes as much sense as the Hooters restaurants sponsoring Lillith Fair.

No brain, no headache.

James "Scotty" Doohan (79) and his wife (43) are expecting a new baby in April. Isn't God beaming these two up soon?

If you achieve one thing in life let it be the ability to think for yourself and not conform to the constraints of our close minded society.

Pamela Lee having her implants removed is like Stephen Hawking having a lobotomy.

Jimmy Smitts left Hit TV show #1, movie career tanked, left Hit TV show #2, movie career tanked, now wins a part in the next Star Wars. His manager must be Satan.

The people who complain the loudest about the way the ball bounces are probably the people who dropped the ball in the first place.

When life gives you lemons . . . throw them at people.

1999's Wall

If pigeons are stupid, why are they fat?

If I hear one more sentence from a Lewinsky tape, I'm going to throw up!

Every once in a while I think, "Boy, wouldn't being telekinetic be great?" But then I think, "Yeah, you think you're fat now . . . " 'Cause let's face it, why the heck would you ever get up?

You know that you're not a little kid anymore, when midnight is no longer past your bedtime; you know you're an adult when midnight becomes past your bedtime again.

Stupid people (as opposed to ignorant) should have a permanent marking on person (such as a tattoo placed in the middle of their forehead) so we can identify them readily and easily avoid them.

College Sucks.

Life ... is a totally insane concept. And technically impossible.

Music and entertainment have gone to crap, someone come out with something good!

1998's Wall

Have you seen the ads for the new Tarzan movie? Am I the only one who thinks that Capser Van Dien (from Starship Troopers) could very well be the gayest-looking Tarzan ever?

"The Ronald Reagan National Airport"...why?? Would anyone trust an airport whose namesake was the anti-union President who fired all the striking air traffic controllers in the 80s? Naming an airport after Reagan is like naming a burglar alarm business after Nixon.

Since those two little amateur marksmen in Arkansas can’t be tried as adults and have to be released at 18, I’ve got a solution. Let them rot in custody until age 18, and they’re free to go…provided they get past the two snipers hidden outside the jailhouse.

If the television you bought last year was now worth less than half it’s original value, and the cable company says you’ll need a new model to receive any new programs, would this upset you? So why do computer owners get in line with their checkbooks to do just that?

Technically, everything is inches away.

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Bill Clinton should have gotten Ted Kennedy to drive Paula Jones home.

Only in America can a homeless vet sleep in a cardboard box while a draft dodger sleeps in the White House.

Why has X-files gone crap?

Politicians can't ski.

Why don't we get rid of all the stupid people? The DMV offices would have no employees.

When performers die (like Selena) they always say that person was going to be the next big thing, and not the next Kajagoogoo.

It must have been hard convincing all the New Kids On The Block to have sex changes and become the Spice Girls.

The reason why more people aren't Luddites in our world today: They'd have to get out of their lounge chairs to change the channel on the television set.

Ignorance should be painful.

Wonko the Sane was right.

I saw a homemade tee shirt with a photograph of a young man on it and the words, "Gone but not forgotten. In loving memory." I think a better tee shirt would have read, "Someone died and all I got was this lousy tee shirt."

I think I could make a fortune with a tee shirt that said, "I'm with stupid" with an arrow pointing straight up. I'd wear one.

Recent polotical ad concerning the helpfulness of a candidate: "He _literally_ moved mountains for me." If that were true, he would have ACTUALLY MOVED A MOUNTAIN. That's what "literally" means.

Under the Dem platform, under education was a goal to have all American children reading by the THIRD GRADE. I think it's just pathetic that our country is so bad in education that third grade readers is a goal.

If "pro" if the opposite of "con," is "congress" the opposite of "progress?"

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